Many men in the world constantly repeat the mantra “size does not matter” to feel more secure. But, let’s be realistic, depending on the circumstance, size does matter a lot. Let us consider the case of Fernando VII, the king of Spain, possessor of such a penis that women fled just to see it. For him, what many would consider a gift turned into a true nightmare. To give us an idea of the problem, let’s see the description of the member given by a French writer who had been able to appreciate it:
“male member as long as a billiard cue, thin as a stick of sealing wax at its base and as fat as a fist at its extremity.”
The Beginnings of Fernando VII
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Fernando VII was the eldest son of Carlos IV, unpretentious, sickly, long-nosed and rather short-witted. He fulfilled the basic stereotypes of the Bourbons and did not receive much affection from his parents, who focused on giving love to their favorite, Manuel Godoy. As a result, Fernando was a carefree boy without any ambition, a hedonist whose only concern was maintaining his privileges.
Rather than wait his turn to wear the crown, he seized the opportunity presented to him in 1808 when Napoleonic troops walked around the Peninsula as a result of the Treaty of Fontainebleau. Despite being something allowed by the king, he was scared and tried to flee from Aranjuez to Seville. At that time, around twenty grandees from Spain, with the support of the people, rose up to ask that the Royal Family stay in Aranjuez and, above all, that they not take Fernando with them, whom they considered to be in danger under the control of Godoy. The result of the riot was such that Carlos IV ended up abdicating in the name of his son, and Godoy was badly beaten by some locals who found him disguised among some mats.
But this did not end here. Carlos, repentant, requested Napoleon for arbitration between him and his son to decide who was the legitimate king. Napoleon granted their wish and summoned them to Bayonne. There, he managed to get Fernando to return the crown to his father and for him to give it to him, who gave it to his brother, José Bonaparte, alias Pepe Botella. As is evident, the Bourbons looked like lost fools.
Holidays in France
After the events in Bayonne, Fernando VII remained in a kind of house arrest in the Valençay palace together with his brother Carlos and his uncle Antonio. There, he devoted himself body and soul to doing nothing. In the five years that the war lasted, the French did not contemplate an iota of vice or virtue in Fernando VII. In fact, one night an Irishman came with the mission of rescuing him from the French. Fernando VII’s reaction was magnificent: he denounced the Irishman to the French. It is understandable, here in Valençay he could dedicate himself to doing exactly what he liked best, loitering. If he was rescued, who knows what kind of responsibilities he would be forced to assume. Let them leave him alone.
Unfortunately for him, Napoleon got into trouble in Russia, and his whole plan went awry. The French troops had to leave the Peninsula and with them José Bonaparte. With Carlos IV already retired, Fernando VII had to return to reign. How lazy, the Bourbon must have thought.
The Felon King
As expected, Fernando VII was a lousy king. Unable to make any decision, all his forces were concentrated on ensuring that absolutely nothing changed in Spain. His inability to make decisions not only turned him against the liberals but also drove his younger brother, Carlos, who did not stop discrediting him for being soft, asking him for old school measurements. His motto was significant: “God, country, king.”
Fernando VII dedicated himself to holding still between two waters in an ancient technique that has reached our days, as demonstrated by Mariano Rajoy. His vital objectives were to be left alone and to get an heir. A mission in which he would find a great enemy, his fertilizing tool.
Their Poor Wives
In order to achieve his goal of having an heir, he had to find a woman capable of supporting him. With his first wife, María Antonia, who had died in 1806, it took him more than a year to consummate the marriage, so it wasn’t going to be easy.
He married his second marriage with his cousin María Isabel de Braganza. With her, he had two daughters. The first of hers died at four months, and the second at birth, taking her mother with her by a botched cesarean section. For Fernando VII, this misfortune was nothing more than a “keep scratching.” The truth is that Fernando had little appreciation for his second wife, as evidenced by the different infidelities in which he incurred. The following year, in 1819, he married again, this time with María Josefa Amalia de Saxony. Fernando VII was 35 years old, and she was 16.
The new queen, who in addition to being a girl had just come out of being educated in a convent, as soon as she saw the monster that Fernando VII was harboring between his legs, she said that she would not snuggle up there not even for all the gold in the world. The problem reached such a level that the Pope himself sent him a letter reminding him that sex in marriage was not a sin, but it was in vain. After a decade of chaste marriage, he died of severe fever without leaving any descendants. He had to keep looking.
The same year he married his niece María Cristina. It was already the year 1829, and Fernando was 45 years old. He was fat, suffered from gout, and dangerously old. Everything seemed to indicate that he had no chance of producing an heir. Something had to be done immediately with his genital problem, and it was done.
The Ultimate Gadget
Doctors designed something as simple as a circular pad that the monarch had to place at the base of the penis to prevent complete penetration. As we can see, Fernando VII and containment were not good companions. It is surprising that someone with so much power needed a stop in the chorra to be careful.
Thanks to this great invention with María Cristina, he was able to maintain relationships much more efficiently. She soon became pregnant, opening up one last hope of having an heir. Unfortunately, for the queen, it was a girl, which forced her to undergo another torture session in search of a boy. So it was. And another girl was born.
Being physically impossible for Fernando VII to look for another son, the monarch decidedto change his plan. Instead of looking for an heir, he modified the law so that his daughter Isabel could inherit, a fact that would completely mark the history of Spain in the 19th century.
The Consequences
As is well known, shortly after Isabella’s designation as heir, Ferdinand VII died, and the queen became a three-year-old girl. In such an unstable environment, his brother Carlos took the opportunity to rise up in arms, defending a harsh return to the Old Regime. This is how the first of the three Carlist wars that took place throughout the 19th century in Spain would begin. And not only that, the Carlist ideas extended until the 20th century, always appearing in reactionary movements. In fact, one of the three flags used by the Francoists, together with the Falangist and the national flag with the bird, will be the Carlist one.
Seeing this and returning to the genital issue at hand, we can conclude that, if the doctors had not provided him with the magic pad, Ferdinand VII might never have reproduced. If he had not reproduced, the heir would inevitably have been his brother Carlos. Spain would have returned to the Old Regime, the Inquisition would have burned heretics again, the monasteries would have kept the culture, etc.
Now, there would have been no Carlist conflict. And given such a trip to the past that was intended to be made, perhaps the revolution would have arrived before 1868. Or, on the contrary, Spain would have correctly consolidated its nationalization process, and Catalonia, the Basque Country, or Galicia would only appear in the history books. In short, all this is fanciful speculation, something that every historian should flee in terror. Therefore, he lets you imagine.